You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
Absolute zero is cool.
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The
engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power
over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle. "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked. "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids
hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer." "Yes -- so what?" "Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That
little bottle -- how does it know?"
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by
the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?" "I'm positive."
replied the atom.
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The
onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only
half m v squared."
Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data.
He asks the math professor to look at it.
A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to
predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But
only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."
A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco,
requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal.
At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted
somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female,
condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"
Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir,"
he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an
experimentalist!"
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes,
except the person who made it.
Albert Einstein
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment.
"Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason." A long logical explanation
follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this
is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow.
The mathematician suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his idea was rejected on the
grounds of being too time consuming.
The engineer suggested placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of the water, but his
idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality.
"It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an asumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then
blow it up to the actual size."
A farmer has problems with his chickens: all of the sudden, they are all getting very sick. After trying all conventional
means, he calls a physist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. The physist trys. He stands there and looks at the
chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook.
Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know
how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist? He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this
sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic? The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the
garage without opening the door.
Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love.
Albert Einstein
Chemistry is physics without thought. Mathematics is physics without purpose.
A rocket explorer named Wright Once traveled much faster than light. He sat out one day
In a relative way, And returned on the previous night.
The Pan Book of Limericks
A Simpleton's Guide to Science
Relativity: Family get-togethers at Christmas. Gravity: Strength of
a glass of beer. Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall. Black
holes: What you get in black socks. Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers. Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.
Useful Metric Conversions for the mathematically challenged
Teachers' remarks that changed the history of physics
Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom. Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world? Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever. Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky? Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree? Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential. Ohm, must you resist Ampère's opinions on current events? Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality. Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider? Schrödinger, stop abusing cats! Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?
After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
Eight ways to use a barometer to find the height of a building:
Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building, measuring its height in barometer-units.
Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it hits the street. Correcting for the mass/surface
ratio of the instrument, use basic acceleration equation to find the height.
Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing. Period of pendulum can be used to find distance
from barometer's Center of Gravity to top of building.
Tie a long cable to the barometer and lower it from the top of the building to the ground, and then measure the length
of the cable.
Take the barometer outside on a sunny day, measure its shadow and the buildings shadow.
Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure how far was it shifted by Corriolis force. The rest is trivial.
Sell the barometer. Purchase a tape measure long enough to measure the height of the building.
Find someone who knows how tall the building is, and trade him the barometer for the information.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends
on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving
very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
Physics Revisited
Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit,
so never mind.
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbitting.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum.
The moon is more useful than the sun, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during
the day when you don't need it.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back
in.
Isn't it meaningless to speak of a 45 degrees angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or Celcius?
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
How physicists do it...
Physicists do it a quantum at a time. Physicists do it at the speed of light. Cosmologists do it in the first three
minutes. Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results. Quantum
physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both. Particle physicists do it energetically. Particle
physicists to it with charm. Aerodynamicists do it in drag. Astrophysicists do it with a Big Bang. Astronomers do
it all night. Astronomers do it in clusters. Astronomers do it on mountain tops. Astronomers do it with white dwarfs
and red giants.
You Might Be a Physicist if...
the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.
you know that the speed of light is 299,792.5 km/sec.
you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
you've already calculated how much you earn per second.
you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
you know the size of the elctron, but don't know your own shirt size.
when you break a vase you blame the second law of thermodynamics.
you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.
you avoid stirring your coffee because you don't want to increase the entropy of the universe.
your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
you're at a wine tasting event and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the
Chardonnay.
you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of an experiment that actually takes five
minutes to run.
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
"CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining good eye." 
Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom.
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Physicists do it a quantum at a time.
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.