Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have
Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the
automatic doors to open.
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote
control is dead?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those
that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are
two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow.
Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you
don't succeed, try left field.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well,
it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some
blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving
to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t
ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in
"Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey
of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow
your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage
is not a word. It's a sentence.
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
I
had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't
even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll
always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of
the bathroom door you're on.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to
edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living
on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old
Navy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for
you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back
in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
In
an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If
you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat
shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Contents may have settled out of court.
You never really learn
to swear until you learn to drive.
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob
eating contest.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
If you're
cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
I
like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
The
Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have
more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
He was hairier than Chewbacca
dipped in Rogaine.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.
Am
I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
He who dies with
the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I was happier than a kitten with
a Q-tip.
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee
lake.
I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.
He was more tense than Jesse Jackson
on Father's Day.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in
everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
All power corrupts.
Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Here
I am! What are your other two wishes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but
bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
Remember:
First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't
succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Half the people in
the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Arkansas State Motto:
Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh
You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
Save the whales: collect
the whole set .
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked
in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The
problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The
early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Time
is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.
My
mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The
only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy
all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something
you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never
do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always
occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The
hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To
succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of
your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The
problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch
up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can a blind person feel blue?
Change is inevitable
except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud
of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real
eye-opener.
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's
locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks
you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets
its picture taken, what does it say?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers
are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man
evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section
was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A
flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If
I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word
"Lisp"
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We
are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is
it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what
they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly
be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns
because they taste funny?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
What was the best thing BEFORE
sliced bread?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
If people
from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Police
Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
Schizophrenia
beats being alone.
Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?
I am an agent of Satan, but
my duties are largely ceremonial.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to
learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Heck
is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
If
evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening
at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip
mining prevents forest fires.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than
logic, but I can't prove it.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
The
meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Two
can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a
pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away
with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else
that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Welcome to Utah: set
your watch back 20 years.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Be
nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is
there's no background music.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
When blondes have more fun do they
know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case
it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
Two
rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
My wild
oats have turned to shredded wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all, done it
all, can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Under
my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
Death to all fanatics!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Smokers
are just like everybody else. Just not as long.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Somebody
who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
When your only tool is a hammer,
all problems start looking like nails.
I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.
Eagles may
soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
99
percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience
is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't
for you.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
I
couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone
has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
If you choke a Smurf,
what color does it turn?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Polynesia
- memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?
Wear
short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!
For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
A
bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I
love cats; they taste just like chicken.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers
do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they
made of meat?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Some people have a way with words, others not
have way.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Suicidal
twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No
thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All
generalizations are false, including this one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience...
AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
Drink
your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.
I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment
of their imagination.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Don't use a big
word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Help
Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.
Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.
Department of Redundancy
Department
"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple
things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
A
day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine
is like night.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every
day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Any
closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can
remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Bombs don't kill people, explosions
kill people.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants
meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people two.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Confucius
say: Those who quote me are fools.
Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Do not put
statements in the negative form.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't
be a sexist, broads hate that.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Friction can be a drag
sometimes.
Geez if you believe in honkus.
He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair
styling.
Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only
disease I haven't got.
I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's
blood.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.
I couldn't
care less about apathy.
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
Drilling for oil is boring.
Energizer
Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I tried to daydream,
but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're
all right now.
When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.
I wouldn't touch
the metric system with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
What has four legs
and an arm? A happy pit bull.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
