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If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
If you don't want
to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the
neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I
bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one.
In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're
good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have
a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is
more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
I hear you are
being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined,
but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take
the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to
a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content
to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like
to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the
razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you
look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time
you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear
and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they
need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't
get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between
you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a
palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more
in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though
you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank
is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that
I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the
light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You
have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open
your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look
through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground.
So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring
you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love
to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of
yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
All wax and no wick.
Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
Always in the right place, but
at the wrong time.
Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always
sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An
Apple //e on UUCP.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An example of how
the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An
expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An inch short and a stroke early.
An intellect rivaled
only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Another engineering prototype that should not have been
shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As a baby
his parents stood him on his soft spot.
As bent as a corkscrew.
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance
bulb / tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As happy as the village idiot.
As much use as a back
pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
As much use as a lead parachute.
As quick as a corpse.
As rare as a
nine bob note. (Very English.)
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello
/ mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
s sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as
a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
As smart as Christie
Brinkley is ugly.
As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short
planks / two half bricks.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners
not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Baler done run out of twine.
Bandwidth limited.
Barney's
his hero.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been
napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy
section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Blew his
O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with
his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in
the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the
water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain is running on empty.
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain
permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright
as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings binoculars to submarine
races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet
rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but
I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would
be an undeserved compliment.
Calls people to ask them their phone number.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow
Fluff.
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can
only remember her old passwords.
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
Can't distinguish jacking
off and stropping a razor.
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
Can't program his way out
of a for-loop.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Carries a
tire gauge in her purse.
Cart can't hold all the groceries.
Cauliflower for brains.
Changes hands and
picks up a stroke.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock
doesn't have all its numbers.
Collects cards for Craig.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Confused
as a baby in a topless bar.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to collections like this one without
searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
Contributes to the population problem.
Could be
considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's
eulogy.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without
pants.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't
hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is
always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really
dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing
with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep
as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't
hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't
pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't
write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial
cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's
flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is
one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
Couldn't find his way through a
maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a
barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think/pee
his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU
not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning
as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing
with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
Defective hard drive
/ boot sector.
Dense as a London fog.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Differently clued.
-- Dave Clark
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Does everything the hard
way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't consider his drive a
slice unless it lands two fairways over.
Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes
in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't
have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn
boat.
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have
sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave
an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect
much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast
is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't
suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill
skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have
his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast
a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't
just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't
know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at
the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists...
Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving
at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't
have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two
neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads
the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs
on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated
her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach
the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have
sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave
an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect
much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast
is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't
suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill
skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have
his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast
a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't
just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't
know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at
the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists...
Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving
at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't
have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two
neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads
the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs
on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated
her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach
the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have
sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave
an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect
much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast
is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't
suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill
skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have
his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast
a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't
just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't
know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at
the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists...
Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving
at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't
have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two
neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads
the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs
on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated
her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach
the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have
sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave
an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect
much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast
is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't
suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill
skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have
his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast
a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't
just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't
know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at
the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists...
Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving
at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't
have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two
neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads
the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs
on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated
her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach
the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have
sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave
an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect
much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast
is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't
suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill
skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Doesn't have
his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast
a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't
just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't
know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at
the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists...
Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving
at night with the lights off.
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